F'ing Fabulous-kinda sweary rant, sorry!

If you've ever tried to get pregnant, you'll understand how I feel. If not, you're going to think I'm a whiny, selfish bitch who has no hope of ever being happy because I am so self-involved. (BTW, you're wrong)

What I think is so f'ing fabulous is that there is a rumor about Snooki being pregnant. Typically I wouldn't care. I think I've seen one episode of Jersey Shore and it was because I wanted to see Snooki get punched in the face (Don't judge me, who doesn't like to see a bar fight?). Why I'm upset is because EVERYONE seems to be pregnant. And damn't, why was my birth control so effective?! In light of the recent Pfizer recall it makes me even more upset that women who don't even WANT to be pregnant are probably going to get pregnant.

Pending a pregnancy this month, it'll be a year in March. A year of doing the pleasantly nasty with no results. Sure, the first few months we were hopeful but patient because I had me some super awesome BC to get out of my system. The next three months after that weren't even that bad because, not many people get pregnant in six months anyway. It's been the six months after that, that have been eating me up inside. The worst part is everyone else seems to be pregnant. It's honestly like a punch in the gut whenever someone tells me they're pregnant and because I'm awesome, I'm nice but it's almost like an act now. Like, I know deep down somewhere I really am super excited for them because it's so amazing and exciting and something I want so bad and can only imagine they're more excited than they've ever been in their life but, it makes me so sad. It's so horrible but that's how I feel. It actually has absolutely nothing to do with them at all either which is why, luckily, those words dare not ever pass my lips! To their face. I definitely say it to my husband. Actually "oh f'ing fabulous.... " (get it now?) is what usually comes out. I haven't told my sister this (so all 52 of you who read this, you tell her and you're in BIG trouble) she (obviously) has twins and, don't get me wrong, I LOVE THOSE KIDS (see pics below, how could you not?!) MORE THAN ANYTHING but sometimes, I'm just too sad to see them. I'm been living her life with babies for the last six months while trying to have one of my own. It's super tough and unless you've been here, probably don't get it.

I've decided, it's not even so much about having a physical baby anymore, it's like, I've never experienced this kind of disappointment before. I train for a marathon, I run a marathon. I go to college, I graduate college. I take piano lessons, I'm more or less Bach. But here I am, trying diligently to no avail. And it's not like a once a year kind of disappointment like when you don't get into Grandma's Half but know that a friend will get in and will get hurt/lazy/f'ing fabulously pg/sick and not be able to run so you're not even super bummed. It's like, every month there's that reminder. Oh, you thought that bloating and heart burn was because you are pregnant? OH SNAP, PMS IN YO FACE!

It’s just so weird because this is something I have literally no control over. I can alter my surroundings and what goes in and out of my body but really it’s up to my body to decide whether we’re going to be parents. We’re (and by we I mean me) going into the DR in March to get our lady bits inspected which should be fun. The scoot down Dr is always such a treat.

Funny story about the scoot down. My DR is good looking so that, coupled with taking the stairs to the 5^th floor, always led to super high blood pressure. I finally had to tell the nurse after like 3 times of 240/170 that it really had nothing to do with my physical fitness but that my Dr was good looking and I had taken the stairs up. Six year later I’m over it but funny nonetheless.

I’ll keep you in the loop but not too much because 1) Negative people piss me off. I promise someone has it worse than you. 2) Who really wants to hear about someone else getting pregnant. We all know what “trying” means and there are a lot of people I’d rather not have to think about “trying”. 3) Life is too short.

PS. I know, no matter what, it’ll all work itself out so I’m not stressed, just venting.

MY CUTEST LITTLE NIECE AND NEPHEW!

PS, I LOVE Instagram.